I’ve had a Stupid Encounter Today
Caution, serious ranting in this post, I don’t suggest reading, mainly posted this to let off steam and make myself feel better…
Some stupid little retard came up to me today, and arrogantly said (and I quote) “Oh My God, why are you so fat? Go get plastic surgery or something.” Obviously, I didn’t let it rest, but I will not go into all the details of what happened next (think of the children!) but it did discourage any future stupidity…
At first I came back with something telling that she is going to fail after all her superficial support crashes and burns, she’ll have nothing. I had said that I could change myself, and I know exactly how I would look.
Saying that sorta was tossed around in my head the entire ride home. Stupid, how I stabbed further into an open wound than her measly salt shaker ever could with a knife of my own making.
Anyway, it came at a bad time, because I’m still in my phase of self disappointment, (in which I ranted about a lot of things) but it didn’t help her situation or mine because instead of my usual infuriating indiffernce I lashed out, and tht never is good with me. Especially with that little voice in the back of my head whispering for me to make an attempt on breaking a bone or two rather than just her pride and reputation.
To get the point across, here’s a transcription of said rant.
I’m so damn angry at myself, what is the most disappointing isn’t how I am right now, its that I know what it should have been, and it hurts to know that me and my stupid, stupid decisions threw that out the window. At where I am right now, I just know what a little effort will get me, and it almost seems that I don’t want to do it. I’m at the stage where I’m teethering on the edge, and it really isn’t hard to fix all of it. I mean, I’m still within the standard sizes, hell, I’m right between medium and large, which is generally okay.
Its just I’m so utterly frustrated over how it used to be, and with only minimal restraint, I could have kept it. Problems with weight wasn’t an issue until seventh grade, before, I was extremely athletic, could wear jeans better than anyone, god, I even had the whole long flowing black hair shit going. Back in grade 5, one of my instructors commented on how I could be a model when I got taller. What an embarrasment am I now? It hurts, it really does, to compare me to myself before and find nothing but failure now, to look at an old photo of me on a sports team back then and in every aspect, to come up lacking. Its not a fact that I can accept because I know how it can be, but I don’t want to try and try and try but feel like nothing, absolutly nothing has been accomplished. It would have killed any motivation, as of now, I feel like, as long as I long for nothing in particular with obsession, I will not be able to get anything done. Ha, where did that damned confidence go? Did it choke on its own blindness to the fact that everything’s going horribly, exponentially wrong?
Sorry for the lack of posts, I’m hoping for a lull in this damn phase.