I’m Sorry, but…
I know, I’ve said I’ll do weekly posts on stuff, but I just haven’t been able to get enough hours out of my days. The weekends are spent, stressing over final projects and (attempt) preparing for tests. High school registration is srsbzns in a family of overachievers.
So, this week, please be satisfied with a halfway in tears rant on the subject.
The three high schools I have available to me are Old Scona (OSA), Harry Ainlay, and Lillian Osborn.
Two, I have guaranteed entry, and one that has a very high chance. Lillian is in my catchment area, so that is my last resort, and OSA has called to tell me that I have been accepted into this highly academic and picky school.
Everything says that OSA is my best bet for a good groundwork for university, and eventually, the workforce, but it is so utterly limited in option classes and the fun factor of high school that I can’t bring myself to hand in my passport to them. I know it’s arrogant of me, but I’ve always known that I’ll get in, but I’ve never really considered it a viable option to go to. It finally hit me today, when the principal personally delivered my entry via phone call, and I was told that I was amongst the top 120 students out of the 508 hopefuls who want to get in so much more than I. A friend of mine hasn’t wanted to consider other schools, with the amount of need to get accepted into OSA, and I, who had only delivered the application and did the exam in order to measure myself to the best grade nines in the school system, was accepted.
My marks were bad, disturbingly bad, with my average a diminishing 88%, and so, I was fully prepared to get a rejection letter come this week. Finally, I was being forced to accept that I can’t always succeed at everything I try at. I was prepared to be a nameless.
I was accepted into a school that, unless I got some type of horrifyingly high score in the entrance exam, I was going to be rejected.
It means that I was an elite. Again.
But I don’t want to go. The implications are too great. Yes, the universities flock to OSA in order to give out scholarships. Yes, it is going to have me prepared for the load beyond schooling. Yes, I will be pushed to do better than I would in other schools. But I don’t need that. I’m not someone who likes to study, I’m not someone who pour over scientific formulae, I’m not someone who places studies first. And I never will be. What I want out of high school is a broadening of horizons beyond the simplicity of primary schooling, beyond shallow friendships of junior high, I want to have things that I am good at available instead of always chasing after the ones dedicated to academics. More than that, I want to enjoy high school. I want to go to Ainlay.
But how can I? How can I give up a spot so many crave? So many think far beyond them? I can’t be someone who follows their heart and chooses accordingly, I can’t simply discard the part of me that thinks to myself “I’m on the top of the food chain, better than they who failed.” I can’t shake the feeling of saying, “I attend Old Scona.” while someone else cannot. I cannot leave the pride of sheer prestige that comes with it.
But how can I give up my hopes and dreams for an enjoyable remaining three years before adulthood? How can I attempt the culinary program offered at Ainlay? How can I negate the appeal of the fashion studies course? How can I choose a school that offers only a language that I hate, and give up on learning languages I have pined after since I had heard them? How can I give up my friends who have supported me, unwittingly or not, through my small stage of depression? How can I deny my own heart? How can I deny that painful feeling every time I say that I will attend OSA? How can I throw away everything I WANT?
But how can I disappoint my parents, who were so much happier than I was when we got the call?
I don’t know anymore. I’ve always thought firmly, I will not go to OSA even if I get in. But the situation is here, and I don’t know what to do.
Don’t you dare say something about my taking things for granted, as I know that I’m privileged that I was even able to take the exam. But this is an issue that hurts, and i don’t want to read BS about this. My problems seem insignificant, but they’re a lot to me.